


you broke my heart

by queerbaitings



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-07 09:51:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14668530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerbaitings/pseuds/queerbaitings
Summary: Loving Ryuji was something Ren shouldn't be doing.Unfortunately for him, he was doing it anyway.





	you broke my heart

Amamiya Ren was in love with his best friend.

It shouldn't be a big deal, really - Ren has had feelings for plenty of his friends before - but this was different;  _Ryuji_  was different. It was really the only way he could explain it. Ryuji was someone that Ren had grown to trust so deeply in the short amount of time that they had known each other - he trusted him more than he trusted his friends back home - despite all the warnings against the bleach-blond boy. Ryuji was someone that Ren couldn't bear to lose, under any circumstance.

But, Ren fell, and he fell hard.

It really wasn't fair that Ren was forced into these feelings. It wasn't like he needed them, wasn't like he  _wanted_  them. But, here he was, sitting on the edge of his bed, Morgana asleep at the foot of it, mumbling the realization that he is  _in love with his best friend._

The thought weighed on him so heavily that it was crushing him. The guilt he felt was indescribable. Ryuji  _trusted_   _him_ , and who was he to betray this trust? Surely, if Ryuji found out, it would ruin their friendship.

And that was the one thing that Ren wouldn't be able to stand.

* * *

"So there's this guy that I like."

Hearing those words come from Ryuji's mouth were a shock to everyone - wasn't Ryuji  _straight?_   But that didn't matter. Ryuji said  _guy_ , as in a male, which is what Ren is.

He felt his chest tighten.

"A guy? What's he like?" Ann's inquisition caused Ryuji to blush bright red, which was something Ren rarely got to see. (He was sure that, if they didn't spend so much time together out of school, he probably never would have seen it, and that thought makes him feel extra guilty.)

"D-did I say guy?" Ryuji was fumbling with his words, obviously not fooling anyone. "I-I meant girl! There's this g-girl I like!" Ann stared him down, causing him to blush an even brighter shade of red. "Okay...There's this  _guy_  that I like. He's, uh, super cool and cute. I dunno."

Ann was smiling, patting an extremely red Ryuji's back and encouraging him in her own way. (Something about going out and getting his man; Ren wasn't listening.)

Ren could hear Morgana snickering in his bag, so he opened it only to hear said cat start laying into his friend - "Is Ryuji  _really_  this flustered over a guy?" - which only caused the bleach-blond to blush even harder.

"Sh-shuddup! It was hard enough admittin' to liking guys without you takin' the piss outta me!" If Ren was correct, Ryuji's flush was now one of anger instead of embarrassment. He thought he should do something, so he reached over the place his hand on Ryuji's shoulder, smiling his infamously reassuring smile.

"If it helps, you're not the only guy on the team that likes dudes." He gave a brighter smile as he said it, teeth showing in the most genuine way he could. He felt the release of Ryuji's tension before he saw it, and he couldn't help but marvel at the sight of a relaxed Ryuji before removing his hand. He could swear he could hear Ann cough "gay" into her closed fist.

Apparently, Ryuji had heard her statement - his calming blush grew hotter again, and he scowled, turning to assumedly give Ann a piece of his mind.

Ren didn’t mind when his hand fell from his best friend’s shoulder. It was a reminder; he didn’t belong with him like that. That was okay.

Ren continued smiling as he watched his friends bicker. 

* * *

The thought of confessing had crossed Ren’s mind more often than not. (He saw Ryuji every day, after all, and the clogged up feeling in his throat whenever Ryuji did something cute was all-too familiar, coaxing him with the idea of blurting the words  _I like you_ over and over until Ryuji caught on.)

It was becoming increasingly worrying - he could barely look at Ryuji anymore without being reminded of his feelings and feeling guilty - and Ren was running out of ideas on what to do. He couldn’t avoid him - what kind if friend would that make him? He can’t lessen his time with him, even a little bit - Ryuji only had him, Ann and Mishima (and Yusuke, if he was in the mood), after all, and he was the only one available whenever Ryuji needed it the most; he was the one that  _knew._

Ren was struggling. Even Morgana could tell, if the heavily-annoyed tone in his voice indicated anything. ( _“I’ve told you this before but I really don’t see how you could like that imbecile. Honestly. And you get_ this  _worked up over it?”_ ) Ren grew to agree with his protests.

Why  _Ryuji_? Why not Mishima, or Yusuke, or even fucking  _Akechi_? Ren had so many people he could fall for in the time he was here - he  _was_ in Tokyo, after all - so why did he have to go and fall for his best friend? And on top of that, why did he have to get so worked up - so  _hopeful_ \- when Ryuji admitted to liking a guy? Just because Ryuji liked guys didn’t mean he liked  _Ren_. (Ren could only hope; the small description Ryuji gave  _could_ indicate him, but he highly doubted it.)

So, why his best friend?

Maybe, because, _when I’m with you, I feel free?_

* * *

Ren’s interactions with Ryuji were becoming fewer and fewer, and it wasn’t his fault. The invitations in his inbox were lessening, and he was rarely sought out after school anymore. In fact, Ren had no clue  _what_ Ryuji was doing now - was he still okay? Had he fallen into something shady?

Then, one day after school, Ren got his answer.

(He was meeting with Makoto outside of the arcade on Central Street when he saw Ryuji, arm around a nervous-looking Mishima, inside the arcade, smiling wider than Ren had seen since he’d first met him, and oh, Ren’s chest hurt more than he’d ever felt in his  _life_ because his friend - his  _crush_ \- was happier with the reluctant-friend of the Phantom Thieves than he was with Ren himself. He resisted the urge to cry right then and there as he took out his phone and texted Makoto a quick, ‘I don’t feel good, can’t accompany you today’ before heading back to LeBlanc.)

After Sojiro had left for the night and Morgana had left him alone in favour of a walk around the Yongen streets, Ren cried. It was loud, and ugly, and he was a mess, but he cried. Cried at the thought of never being able to confess to Ryuji. Cried at the thought of losing the one he was in love with.

He curses himself - “it’s _your_ fault for being gay,  _your_ fault for falling in love witn him,” - throughout the night, as his tears dried and he calmed. He taunted himself, ignoring the chiming of his phone. (Makoto had probably informed the other thieves of his supposed illness, and they were just checking up on him. What good friends.)

Ren continued to torment himself well into the night, after Morgana had come back and even after he fell asleep, the constant thought lingering,

_you can never have the one thing you want._

* * *

_**Hey, man, sorry for not hanging out with you as much lately!!** _

The text was from Ryuji, bright and blaring at the top of Ren’s phone screen. It was late, and Ren had been preparing for bed when he had heard the ding of his phone.

Ren sighed, texting back a short, ‘you don’t need to apologise,’ before putting his phone away; he could deal with this in the morning.

When it  _was_ morning, however, Ren wanted nothing more than to throw his phone out the window - anything to avoid looking at Ryuji’s reply.

He tried thinking of something to reply with, something so try and make it seem like he  _wasn’t_ hurting, when he clearly was. He eventually settled on a small, ‘it’s okay, I’m not your only friend,’ ended with a smiley face. He cringed when he sent it, but that wasn’t important.

What _was_  important, however, was how Ryuji replied with the suggestion of them spending their day off. (Ren panicked, throwing his phone onto his sheets and pacing back and forth while Morgana - unhelpfully - yelled at him to keep breathing.)

It wasn’t like he  _didn’t_ want to spend the day with Ryuji - it was quite the contrary; he  _craved_ to spend the day with his best friend - it was just that he didn’t think he could deal with it. Didn’t think he could deal with seeing Ryuji and being reminded of these feelings he wanted to bury. But, nonetheless, he agreed.

Ryuji decided that he would just visit LeBlanc to read comics with Ren - like summer break, Ren supposes.

When Ryuji did arrive, Ren had finished panicking and plastered on a small smile as Ryuji climbed the stairs to his room. They spoke, they read, and Ren was reminded of before he realised his feelings - before hanging out with Ryuji was painful, before he constantly felt like blurting, 

“I like you.”


End file.
